it's for you, too.

"The Lord has restored my dignity so much...to the point where I remember my shame no more!"

I look at her from across the table; the lit candles reflect in her joy-filled eyes.
A warm grin spreads across her gentle, Dominican face as she continues,

"I don't belong to my past! AMEN!"

There's power that comes with a restored life and a freedom-filled testimony.

This beautiful woman has seen the darkest side of humanity--the use and abuse of her heart and body. Yet in the darkness of the Red Light, she found Light Himself and allowed His love to restore her life.

I sat there with watery eyes, struck by what an incredible privilege it is to sit at the same table as this woman.

I'm struck by what a miracle it is she's even sitting at this table.

I'm amazed and so thankful she's spending her evening at our bible study, sharing the Word and stories together instead of standing behind an illuminated window.

Jesus caught her heart five years ago and she hasn't stood behind a window since.
She said, "YES!" and actually meant it and let Holy Spirit turn her life upside-down in radical grace.

As I'm sitting there struck by the power of her testimony, a part of my heart stung under her words.
I thought to myself, "how much room have I actually allowed Holy Spirit to restore my dignity?"
And not only that, but how much do I truly believe He's actually restored my dignity? How much do I believe in the power of His radical grace? Do I really even believe His grace is sufficient for me? For all my mistakes, wrongs and self-inflicted pain? Dang it, why is it so much easier to say yes to shame, fear and doubt than to receive grace and forgiveness?!

We continued to laugh, read and cry together for the rest of the night. I penned down her lines of wisdom and let Holy Spirit use them to penetrate my soul.
As I went home that evening, I earnestly prayed,
"Jesus, just like her I WANT TO REMEMBER MY PAST NO MORE."

When I look back, I no longer want to see shame and pain. I want to see grace. I want to see HIS faithfulness and goodness and let it run all over my sin.

Now, please don't think I'm excusing the consequences of poor decisions. We live in a world of cause and effect and we have to deal with those consequences asking for God's grace and wisdom in how to best do so.

But when I look at things past--at things which have gone, I want to see victory in where I am now and see God's fingerprints all over the process of moving past those circumstances.

God's been highlighting the contradiction of shame and grace to me a lot lately; from Scripture, conversations, sermons, worship times, prayer times, other's praying over me...you name it. The Lord keeps speaking, "Hanna, the past is past. This is now, and this is a season of dancing."

This is a season of Grace. 

Like most Christianese words, such as faith and hope, I always found the word Grace as somewhat an abstract concept rather then a world-shifting reality.
So what does Grace really mean? In reference to God's Grace, it means "the free and unmerited favor of God."

FREE AND UNMERITED. 

Never earned. NEVER earned.
It erases shame and "rightful" punishment.
It makes right what was wrong.
It restores broken hearts, minds, bodies and relationships.
Grace is Power. Grace is Change. Grace is Reconciliation to the One who knit us together and to one another.

You know, my name actually means "Grace."

The word Grace is spoken over me day after day after day as people call my name, but it's funny how we become numb to Truth and no longer let it infiltrate our souls.

I've heard about Grace, at times I've actually experienced touches of God's Grace. But very little have I truly accepted God's Grace for myself.
I've tried my best to grant it over others, but rarely for myself.
And when I don't accept God's grace, I don't allow Him to restore my dignity.

But this is a time of self-Grace.
Of Grace pouring-out to come from a place of Grace pouring-in. 

When I hear my name, I desire to no longer hear, "weak, doubtful, fearful and shameful."
I desire to hear the true meaning of my name. To hear the reality of WHO I AM.

I desire to hear GRACE. 
And let the reality of Grace restore my dignity.
Just as He faithfully has, and continues to do, for my sweet Dominican friend.

And I am oh so thankful for His Grace as I continue in this process.
I'm thankful Grace doesn't call us to be perfect, rather simply calls us to receive and be restored.

Hallelujah. 




My Jesus, 

I am so thankful for your incredible Grace. 
I am so thankful Grace is never something to be earned, but always something to be received. 
Thank You that Your Grace IS sufficient and Your mercies are new every morning. 

Thank You that You earned Grace for me 2000 years ago. May I never forget the weight of Your Grace. May I let it fill my words, direct my actions, shape my relationships and restore my dignity. 

I love You. 

Love, Hanna

these wonderful words

Dear friend,

Who are you?
What do people say about you? What do you say about yourself? What burdens your heart and what brings you joy? 

Who am I? 
Well, let me tell ya! 

• I am Confident
• I am Strong
• I am Beautiful
• I am Loved
• I am Enough
• I love raw and large
• I crave authenticity
• I bring people together
• I hate conflict and crave resolution
• I love to empower others
• I am Inclusive
• I am an Encourager
• I am Loyal
• I am Fun
• I am a Leader
• I am Needed
• I am Wanted
• My words hold power and authority
• I am an Explorer
• I am a Musician/Painter/Cook/Writer
• I am Jesus' Best friend, his Bride, my Father's Daughter, and a Home for Holy Spirit. 

Who have I thought I was? 

(Crap. This means raw vulnerability. Okay. Let's do this....)

• unlovable
• too much/needy
• awkward
• too big
• timid
• weak
• fearful
• a bad leader
• a disappointment
• a failure
• a bad friend
• unwanted
• not needed
• burdensome
• forgotten
• not enough
• not talented

Writing that first list was like applying a balm over my raw heart. Those healing Truths seeped into the depths of my need for love...for Love Himself. 

Writing that second list was like scratching off the scab of a seeping wound. Memories, conversations, sleepless nights and dark days replay in my mind as those minuscule but toxic words stare right back at me from my computer screen. 

It's obvious, WORDS ARE POWERFUL. 

I've been learning that more and more lately. 

With the words, "it is finished," Jesus gave us freedom and belovedness.

With words the Trinity created all things. 

They created that fly on your window, that bird and that tree; with words, They also created you and me (ha, that rhymed). 

But in all seriousness, words are influential and are capable of holding life and death. 

When God gave me the title for this blog, "Speak Life," I didn't realize then how that little phrase would continue to reverberate in my life. 

During that time, God was showing me how things I say about people--whether in their presence or not (that's right, I have gossiped. Sorry.)-- actually changes who they are. He gave me a choice; I could speak life and see people walk in freedom in their true identity, or I could speak death and watch them crumble beneath my pride and desire to rise above them. 

To say the least it was confronting, and ever since I have sought (and many times failed, but hey, I'm trying) to relentlessly encourage those placed around me and to really love those who aren't always the easiest to love.

It's not always easy, but it's been liberating in many ways and I have discovered a sweet fragrance of encouragement and love in my life that I have never known before. 

However, in that time I didn't realize how much power I had given negative words in my own mind. 

In these last couple of years, Jesus has been revealing to me words (the lies listed above, to name a few) I have been speaking over myself causing me to crumble in shame and defeat. I was faced with the question, "what TRUTH did I need to speak over myself to build myself up in confidence and identity in Jesus?" 

What conversations and comments by people did I need to say NO to and choose forgiveness over bitterness?

What lies had I believed that needed to be covered time and time again in the Truth God has spoken over and into me as His Beloved? 

Dear friend, do you relate to any of the words in those lists above? Have you ever heard the little lies of list #2 and let them beat you to the ground? 

WORDS ARE POWERFUL. 

And that statement is a two-sided coin.  

Words hold the power to beat you down but they also hold the power to build you up. 

They hold the power to bind every broken place and to make your scars beautiful and make them marks of victory, not defeat...kind of like the eternal scars of our Savior.

You know what's also great? It's one of my favorite things about Jesus...

THE WORDS HE GIVES YOU ABOUT YOURSELF ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY LIE. 

"So shall my Word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
-Isaiah 55:11-13, ESV (italics added)-

His Words stand.

No conversation, no broken relationship, no crushed dream, no lie you've heard or spoken over yourself for years changes the steadfastness of His Words of the TRUTH OF WHO HE SAYS YOU ARE.

And it's in the confidence of actually knowing (not just acknowledging) God's Truth and Words over you that you can experience freedom, victory and even genuine joy in the process.

I don't know about you, but hills and mountains bursting into song and clapping trees sounds pretty joyful to me. It kind of sounds like the Words of the Lord not only stand forever but bring tangible joy and peace; in addition they bring everlasting glory to God!

Do you understand that, Loved One?

The joy and freedom from your victory actually BRINGS GLORY TO GOD. 

God deeply delights in you and your joy. 

And that's the Truth, my friend. 

That suffering relationship, sick loved one, empty bank account or sleeping dream are hard--yes so hard--but the TRUTH OF WHO HE IS AND WHO YOU ARE STANDS FOREVER, all those other things will fade away. 

And it's because of that Truth we have eternal victory and have joy! 

So I challenge you. Make some lists. 

First make a list of lies. Don't capitalize them. In English, we capitalize important words or names. Those lies aren't you. Don't give them power they don't deserve. 

Then make a second list, make a Truth list. Capitalize those words because they are important and they are your real names.

Then burn the lies list. Burn that baby to the ground. Put it in it's rightful place. 

But keep the Truths list and put it somewhere visible and/or important, and repeat it to yourself over and over and over again. It takes time to renew your mind and to replace lies you've been speaking over yourself for years with the Truth of who God says you are. I'm still learning, and will continue to for the rest of my life. 

It's a journey, and it's not for the faint of heart. 

So it's a good thing that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND (2 Timothy 1:7). 

So, do you really know who you are? 

You are Strong. 

You are Made in His image. 

You are Beloved. 

You are Wanted and Needed. 

You are Confident. 

You are Beautiful. 

You are HIS. 

WORDS ARE POWERFUL. 

So NEVER forget His words for you; never forget who you are. 

My Sweet Jesus, 

Your gentle whispers of Truth over me inspire me to bravely proclaim Your Truth over others. 
Thank You for constantly holding my hand and for loving me even when I fight against You and want to give up. You strengthen me in weak places and give me real reasons to rejoice in this life. 

I love You. 

Love, 

Hanna 

These battles are real. They've been ones I've fought a lot in my time in Amsterdam and I'm still struggling. This post is not a finish line for me, but just another mile marker in the journey towards becoming more like my Jesus. Please, contact me if you need encouragement or reference to some helpful material to fight these things...I'd love to offer the little I can. 

Bright as the Noonday

"Hanna. Help them."

That's it.
That's all God told me when he called me into sex industry ministry at age fifteen.

I was on a short-term mission trip to Guadalajara, Mexico with my youth group at the time (Dan, if you're reading this, a major shout-out to you for being an amazing Youth Pastor and spiritual mentor and for opening my eyes to the reality of the world of missions).
Although short, the trip had been real and intense. From going to the slums of Guadalajara to the wealthy streets--we saw the need for God everywhere. My heart was enlivened for missions, and I had been baptized in Holy Spirit on that trip. I knew after those two weeks my life was never going to be the same.

And I was right.

On the last night, our whole team spent a significant time praying over one another.
Four of us students were called to the mission field that same night.
And within two years, all of us had gone out in obedience.
One friend back to Mexico, two to Eastern Africa, and myself to Southeast Asia.

In the moment I was called, with tears streaming down my face, the Lord gave me a vivid, yet gruesome vision.

And I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna sugar-coat it...
The Lord showed me two Southeast Asian women being violently raped and He simply said, "help them."

Since then, down in the depths of my spirit, I can't seem to shake away this passion for seeing justice come to women working in the sex industry.

I went to Thailand, and my heart for that region of the world grew. I know I'm going back (hopefully this summer/fall for a visit!) for either long or short-term.
But above all else, whether that's in Europe, stateside, Asia--or heck, even South America--I have an unwavering passion for seeing women set free from sex-trafficking and independent prostitution and to help them discover their true identity and priceless worth. 

This passion for justice has been reawakened during my time here in Amsterdam.

I left Thailand at age eighteen discouraged about God telling me to go to university and not to stay in Asia, so subconsciously I put my passion for women on the backburner until after school when it was "missions time" again.

My first mistake was thinking university wasn't also a missions field. Nonetheless, through being a ministry leader on campus and leading most campus community outreaches, the Lord kept my flame for active outreach alive.

My second mistake was putting my passion for sex industry ministry on the backburner. Because it's been a journey to reignite it here in Europe.

However, the Lord has been faithful to reignite this passion, and since Christmas, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that working with women and seeking God's heart for justice in the sex industry is something I want to do for the rest of my life. 

Funny thing too, because a part of the scripture prophesied over me for my time in Amsterdam goes like this:

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth 

your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." 

Psalm 37:5-6 (ESV, italics added)

And oh, how I've seen this happen! 

Jesus has begun to break my heart for what breaks his. 

Tears come to my eyes as I think of the degrading violation my friends in the Red Light have to endure day in and day out. 

Tears come to my eyes as I think of certain conversations I've had with them; conversations about their personal value and their response being stumbling words and looking down at the ground in shame. 

I desire to see these women's righteousness shine as the light. And for justice to be bright in their lives--bright as the noonday. 

I desire, and Jesus does too, that they no longer immediately relate the words "light" with "red" and noonday as their time for sleep. 

He wants to redeem those words in their lives and to shine His glorious light in their hearts.

And it's such a privilege to take part in Christ's redeeming process here in Amsterdam. 

Jesus, my sweet, sweet Jesus. Your incredible heart for justice and righteousness inspires me daily. Thank you for fighting the ultimate fight with death 2000 years ago so we can embrace real life no matter how close to death we come. 

Thank you that nothing is too damaged for you to redeem. Thank you that nothing is too dark for you to not make bright again. 

Thank you for your light, kind yet majestic nature. 

I am so in love with you and so inspired by you. 

So every day I will continually choose to respond to your command;

Yes, Lord, I will help them. 

Love,

Hanna

Starting this week I will be participating in a six-week seminar on my base called the Shine Seminar. It's about global sex-trafficking and the Christian response. It has a full schedule, and will be intense content--so please pray for me, my classmates and school staff. I'm really excited for it because I know it will be so relevant to the ministry I'm doing in the Red Light District. 

Also, above I mentioned visiting Asia this summer. I'm going on a ministry trip to India in August and hopefully visiting/scouting out other parts of SE Asia while I'm there. If you'd like to help fund my trip (because as a YWAM missionary my everyday finances come from private gifts from individuals) please see my YouCaring page: 

https://www.youcaring.com/hannabishop-760674

THANK YOU! 

The photographs are captures I took in March during my trips to England and Paris.
I went to England for a womens conference with my Amsterdam home church, and then to Paris for a girls weekend with some friends.
I'm so blessed to have opportunities to travel here!

Backwards and Forwards

One year.


ONE YEAR.

How has it already been one year?

I look back in total amazement of how fast time flies...

I've lived in Holland for a whole year, and my commitment with YWAM Amsterdam is already halfway through...

I can't help but be filled with gratitude when I look back and excitement as I look forward.
This past year has been one of intense growth, inner-healing and development.
It's been entirely what I never expected.
It's been incredibly difficult yet absolutely necessary.
Jesus has led me through valleys I didn't even know existed and awoken dreams I had totally forgotten about.

I look back on this past year of ministry and I see lessons I've learned. 
I see how intercession and worship play an essential role in missional living and evangelistic outreach.

I see how God has opened doors for me to invest and utilize my gifts in music, art and hospitality. Opportunities have opened for me to worship, prophetically paint and welcome others into my city and into my life.

I see how Jesus has gifted my adventurous heart with travel and discovering new places and people regularly.

I see how God has taken my raw, wounded heart and has radically revived it and is now breathing inspiration, calling and life back into it.

I see how God has graciously opened hearts of the women I minister to in this city; how despite feeling so inadequate at times Christ has shone through me, inviting those lovely hearts to open in vulnerability and friendship. 

I look back and I see a present and active Holy Spirit, a gracious and loving Jesus and a faithful, faithful Abba Father.

Last February, Holland-bound and standing in the security line at Sea-Tac airport, I found myself starting up a conversation with another woman my age.
She was a spirit-filled Christian, and as I told her I was moving to be a missionary her eyes lit up and she said, "I knew it!"
She continued to share with me that before we started conversing, Holy Spirit told her to prophecy Psalm 37 over me--particularly the following passage:

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." (Psalm 37:3-6, ESV)

She encouraged me and said, "I feel like this next season in your life is going to be a one of the Lord fulfilling the desires of your heart as you trust in Him, do good and befriend faithfulness."

With tears in my eyes, we prayed at our boarding terminals and parted ways. I flew over the Atlantic with an encouraged heart.

In my first two weeks in Amsterdam, I heard that exact passage quoted multiple times.
I was shocked. 

And I was ready. I grabbed my bootstraps and said, "Alright Lord, undergrad was great but a hard time of training. Now I'm ready to work in this district, to delight in you and see these ministry desires finally fulfilled!"

But oh, I still had such a vital lesson to learn. 

I definitely wasn't expecting God to remind me that before I could chase after my dreams, I had to first chase after him. Even if it means digging into my past and embracing a deep healing process.

I did not expect that bump in the road, but despite the tear-filled nights and moments of feeling like I couldn't continue--I'm so thankful it all happened.
I'm grateful for every washing tear, every hard conversation and every bound-up wound.

I'm thankful because now I feel more whole than I ever have before.

I feel more equipped to walk with others in their inner-healing processes because now I've been there, too. 

And as I reflect on this past year, I see how it was essential for this upcoming one. 

Exciting things are on the horizon in these next few months!

In April, I'm doing a six-week seminar on my base called Shine. It focuses on the global sex-trade and the Christian response. I'll be immersed in the wisdom of international speakers while still doing weekly outreaches with the ladies in the Red Light District.
I've had a passion for sex-trade abolition since I was fifteen, and I haven't been engaged in it since high school. Although trafficking happens in Amsterdam, abolition is not my team's particular focus. We commit to sharing the gospel with all sex workers, whether they are trafficked or independent prostitutes (majority are independent in Amsterdam).

I've always been passionate about justice, and to be further equipped in sex-trafficking awareness excites me.

In this last year, Holy Spirit has also been putting Southeast Asia heavily back on my heart.

When I was first called to missions as a teen, God called me distinctively to Southeast Asia; hence why I moved to Thailand in 2012 to do my DTS.
It was on my DTS that God told me Western Europe was my next international frontier, but my heart has longed to return to Asia ever since I left--even just for a short trip.

Over Christmas, God confirmed that longing by providing an opportunity to go to Northeast India.
In Aizawl, a beautiful city nestled between Bangladesh and Burma in the foothills of the Himalayas, there is a Christian HIV children's home called Gan Sabra.
This home nurtures over thirty beautiful HIV orphans, providing them with a basic needs, proper medical care, education and the love of Jesus.
My aunt told me on Christmas that she is returning to Gan Sabra (she has been dozens of times, and considers it her second home) with an outreach team of about fifteen other women. She opened up the opportunity for me to join, and as she further explained about the home and the VBS ministry she'll be doing with the kids, I heard Holy Spirit say, "go."

Hence, I am SO excited to announce that I am stepping out in faith and going to Aizawl this August! 

My heart BURSTS with joy as I think about loving on these kids and partnering with Jesus again in Southeast Asia. To do this type of ministry in India truly is a desire of my heart and I can't wait to see God move through our team and in our hearts (links below for more info about Gan Sabra and financial support).

Pictures from living in Thailand--I miss it so!

It's crazy how God sees our desires and in loving kindness he fulfills them in proper time.
If God had provided these opportunities last year, I don't think I would have had the emotional capacity to really give my all. In fact, I think they would have drained me--not given me life!

...And to think, it's only February!
It's only February and I already have two great opportunities put in front of me to love, learn and serve this year in the capacity in which I feel called.
And I am already in such an incredible ministry! My relationships continue to grow with the women in this district and my team has begun doing language lessons and soon will also do Bible studies with some of the ladies. God is moving in this neighborhood and it is such a PRIVILEGE to be a part of it!

All this to say, I look backward and I look forward and I am thankful. 
For the pain the was and is to come, I am thankful.
For the healing that was and is to come, I am thankful.
For the JOY and LOVE that was and is to come, I am thankful.
And for Jesus, my sweet Jesus, who was and is and is yet to come...I am so eternally thankful. 

So here's to another year of learning, healing, growing, loving, relating, serving, giving, receiving, and simply being with those around me--and to passionately pursing the Lover of my soul. 

Doing ministry in the RLD--offering coffee and conversation to the ladies behind the windows.

Jesus, thank you for never giving up on me. 

Thank you for being so incredibly faithful. Thank you for placing Holy Spirit desires in my heart as a young teen. Desires that you are still preparing me for and growing me in. Desires that give life to my soul and joy to your heart.
Thank you for being my first delight and desire. Thank you that I can trust you as I learn to do good and befriend faithfulness.
Thank you that you do fulfill desires. I'm so thankful you actually find joy in fulfilling the desires you have placed on my heart.

Your faithfulness and steadfast love inspire me to pursue you and delight in you as you fulfill the desires of my heart. 


I love you.

Love,
Hanna

For more information about the Gan Sabra home and Orphan Outreach, please visit:
http://orphanoutreach.co/countries-we-serve/india/aizawl.asp

To financially support my trip to India, please visit my YouCaring page: 
https://www.youcaring.com/hannabishop-760674

Always Enough

You aren't smart enough.
You aren't brave enough.
You aren't witty enough.
You aren't strong enough.
You aren't pretty enough.
You aren't friendly enough.
You aren't talented enough.
You aren't skinny enough.
You aren't courageous enough.
You aren't adventurous enough.
You aren't compassionate enough.
You aren't spiritual enough.
You aren't good enough.

You aren't enough. You just simply aren't enough. 

...Sound familiar?

Those words pierce heart and soul yet they feel like a kind of familiar.
They bite--bite hard--yet provide some sort of dysfunctional comfort.
This habit of standing tall and trying to "measure up" tends to always leave us crumbled in a fetal position of defeat.

Lies are powerful. 
They hold so much influence, if you let them they can rip you out like a tide from all confidence and security and leave you drowning in a massive ocean of despondency.

I've battled with a lot of soul-lies. 

After hours of counseling I've finally come to the conclusion that all those little lies sum up to the Big Kahuna of, "I'm not enough."

Perhaps your soul-lies sum up to something else, but I think every human on this little blue and green sphere has heard the hissed lie: "you're not enough."

Why? Why is this such a plaguing yet embraced statement?
Why does it drive young teen boys into violent behavior to hear they are enough by fellow peers?
Why does it cause young women to close their mouths, not letting food in while keeping empowering, up-building words from coming out?
Why does it cause someone (like myself), from a good family and background struggle with depression and destructive thoughts? 

Why does it cause striving in the work place, betrayal in the church, jealousy between people and strife in all kinds of relationships?

And why do we listen to those lies? Why do they even come?

An evening not so long ago, I found myself sobbing in the arms of my older sister overwhelmed by lies and a familiar depression that had just suddenly cascaded upon me. She rocked me in the dark and whispered, "Hanna, don't fear your feelings. God is bigger than even those. You can trust God with your feelings."

That statement triggered a revelation: not only is God bigger than those lies and my feelings, but when I decide not to fear them, they actually loose power and influence.

And when those lies, destructive thoughts and overwhelming feelings have lost power, they aren't useful to the enemy anymore.

Satan's evil, totally, but he's not dumb. He only attacks and discourages with things that work.

Depression has a nasty habit of tagging along with someone--especially a recovering "depresse."
You can go to bed feeling totally fantastic and then wake up the next morning unable to move under its intense weight.

Now, God delivered me from "mild" yet consistent depression in September, but about every two weeks I still found myself having bad days and struggling to truly be myself. And I feared this. I knew I wasn't myself and I was overwhelmed and frustrated by it all.

And it's because I feared the heaviness, it would still come.
It's a vicious cycle, really.
One moment you're fine, hoping the lies don't come, and then they do. You start to feel down, and you are so attune to them it becomes overwhelming. You have a breakdown. You start to feel a little better, but you still dread the lies will come back...and because you shake in fear they continue to descend without mercy.

To the poor hearts who know this: I feel for you. I feel with you. And you know what?

It's okay to feel. 

Uncomfortable? Certainly. Scary? Absolutely. But it's okay to feel.

Feeling means you're human. Feeling means you're dependent on Something. Feeling means you have a deep need that you can't find in yourself. 

Feelings are meant to be felt, not feared. 

Feelings aren't dangerous unless you let them be. 
Fears are only powerful if you allow them be. 
Lies only seem true if you believe them to be. 

And can I tell you something kind of great? Since that evening with my sister, I haven't had a bad day.

A bad morning? A bad moment? Yes. I have had many of those. But instead of dragging through the day in discouragement thinking, "I've failed, I haven't fought hard enough, I'm still believing these lies," I immediately run to Jesus in prayer and hear Him say, "Hanna, it's okay to feel inadequate. Because Christ in you is adequate. Christ in you is always enough. There's no fear in perfect love. And Christ is perfect love."

Christ is always enough. 

I've always had this head knowledge. But something about learning not to fear my feelings has opened the avenue for it to sink into heart knowledge.

Because Christ is enough, dear heart, you are enough!
Does that really ring true in you? YOU ARE ENOUGH!!
Oh, how important this is to thoroughly understand!

The fear speaking, "you aren't enough," actually is the lie that Christ isn't enough. 

Let that sink in. You are Christ's and He is yours. You are in Him. If you doubt that fact just read the entire book of Colossians.
You are enough in Christ. He is your confidence, He is your strength, He is your love. 

So be brave, dear one, and let Jesus fight for you.
For "your bravery wins a thousand battles you can't see because your bravery strengthens a thousand others to win their battles too." (Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way)


Let those lies come, because you know the truth.
Let those feelings come, because you have nothing to fear in Perfect Love.
Let life come, because you know that no matter what happens the end is all the same Glory.



Beloved, you are enough. 




Jesus, 
Thank you for your perfect love that casts out all fear. Thank you that your love was given to me in perfect brokenness so my brokenness can extend love to others. You have been, are, and always will be more than enough. I say YES to your abundance through Holy Spirit and YES to the identity of beloved and Christ-adequacy. Your incredible love for me inspires me to continue to rest in the fight, to be brave and to love others regardless.

I love you. 

Love,
Hanna





The book I quoted, The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp, is absolutely incredible no matter what stage of life you're in. Get it. Read it. Savor it. It will help you and inspire you in your journey, I promise!

Also, just a few great chunks of Scripture regarding all of this:

Colossians
1 John
2 Timothy 1:7
Philippians
John 15

Creative Change

2016 has been a beast of a year. 

To say that I'm excited to see it gone is an understatement.

Although I know there's no magic spell or divine release that happens at midnight on New Years, there is an overarching perspective shift that sweeps across the globe.

There's a strong sense of hope, a strong sense of change and the possibility of change.

But you know what change requires?

OWNERSHIP. 

Change requires action.
Change requires work.
Change requires sweat and tears.
Change requires attention. Intentionality. Energy.

Change can kind of really suck sometimes.

Occasionally it's good, rarely it's easy, and mostly it hurts.

For me, 2016 has been a year of intense change.

From moving across the country to across the globe--2016 has growled its teeth at me and I wish I could say every time I stood in defiance, but honestly, I usually hid in my own little pitiful cave of depression and defeat.

I wish I could say every time I looked to my word of the year, "Trust" (ironic, huh?) and calmly rested in the embrace of my Savior.

Can I be honest, though?

Really, I haven't trusted that much.

I know many of you are living what you think are "simple, humble lives" working "every day jobs" or simply "going to school" while I'm off in this great, foreign unknown adventure fighting against one of the most devastating industries in our world, but really? I'm just like you.

I wake up often overwhelmed by the world and my heavy emotions.

I get tired, discouraged and each time I think I've overcome something I feel like I'm drowning in it again a week later.

Life is hard. Life is tiring. Life wears you down.

And if I hear one more person say the generic Christian answer, "just spend more time with Jesus," I think I might just punch them in the face.

You wanna know what's been my grace?

What has helped me and inspired me to keep going and keep fighting when I see nothing but dark ahead of me?

Creativity. 

...I bet you didn't see that answer coming, huh?

You're probably shocked. You're probably thinking, "What?! She's a Christian, evangelical missionary! How is her answer not Jesus?! The answer is always Jesus!"

But hear me out.

I love Jesus. I deeply love Him.
He's the reason I moved across the country then across the globe.
He's the reason a changed degrees from Psychology to Ministry Studies and have a passion for people to live emotionally free lives (isn't funny how He always seems to call us to encourage others to fight against the very things we've battled the most?).
He's the reason I get out of bed in the morning and choose to keep fighting.

But He's provided me with something amazing, an essential part of His very own nature; He's given me, and every person, the ability to create. 

There's something special about putting paint to a canvas, music in the air or words on a page. A heavenly exchange happens. Revelation is given. Life is created. Battles are fought. Love embodies a physical representation.

Opportunities for me to create have been drastically broadened these past 12 months and I am so thankful.

Without the evenings to paint, the accessible guitars and pianos and journals to write in I think I would have gone insane.

Creativity, as fluid as it is, has been my bedrock this past year. 

Because Jesus, revealing Himself through pictures, people, sounds and words has not only given me the energy to push forward but the hope and joy to keep going. 

I have loved not boxing Jesus into a routine but letting Him show me how big and diverse He truly is.

I have loved being inspired by Him.

I have loved being healed by Him.

I have loved being known by Him.


I have loved letting Him simultaneously be my Anchor and Compass through the winds of change. 

I still need to have my hands on the wheel and take responsibility over my surrounding waters; change, like the rest of life, requires us to be present and active and make choices.
In this sea called Life I'm still the first mate of my ship, but He is ultimately the Captain and I can rest in that He knows where to go.

Unknown horizons are always ahead, change is always happening. Hard things happen. That's life.

But our Blessed Assurance is always there giving us new inspirations and gifts to keep leading us home. To keep leading us to Him and to love.

I'm thankful He has given us creativity as an ocean to sail with Him and navigate to Him.


Change can come at me.
Hardships only have as much power as I choose to give them.

I know Who has the victory.
He's had it in 2016 already does in 2017.

All I have to do is keep listening, keep steering, keep creating, and keep living love.


Jesus, 

Your power in victory encourages me to keep fighting, sailing and creating. 
You are the only reason I am still here. You are the very breath in my lungs and I choose to continue to humble myself to be inspired by You through creativity and Your character in those around me. 

Thank you for not being ordinary and stationary. 
Thank you for being in the change yet still incredibly steadfast. 

I am thankful for your faithfulness and continual creative nature. 

I love you. 

Love,
Hanna



The above photos are simple, unedited photos from my Iphone of the waters I came across on my visit to America this month. From the waterway and rivers of Southeast Virginia to the waterfalls, lakes and ocean bays of Northwest Washington, my visit home has been a wonderful time of being encouraged and inspired by family, friends and nature.