it's for you, too.

"The Lord has restored my dignity so much...to the point where I remember my shame no more!"

I look at her from across the table; the lit candles reflect in her joy-filled eyes.
A warm grin spreads across her gentle, Dominican face as she continues,

"I don't belong to my past! AMEN!"

There's power that comes with a restored life and a freedom-filled testimony.

This beautiful woman has seen the darkest side of humanity--the use and abuse of her heart and body. Yet in the darkness of the Red Light, she found Light Himself and allowed His love to restore her life.

I sat there with watery eyes, struck by what an incredible privilege it is to sit at the same table as this woman.

I'm struck by what a miracle it is she's even sitting at this table.

I'm amazed and so thankful she's spending her evening at our bible study, sharing the Word and stories together instead of standing behind an illuminated window.

Jesus caught her heart five years ago and she hasn't stood behind a window since.
She said, "YES!" and actually meant it and let Holy Spirit turn her life upside-down in radical grace.

As I'm sitting there struck by the power of her testimony, a part of my heart stung under her words.
I thought to myself, "how much room have I actually allowed Holy Spirit to restore my dignity?"
And not only that, but how much do I truly believe He's actually restored my dignity? How much do I believe in the power of His radical grace? Do I really even believe His grace is sufficient for me? For all my mistakes, wrongs and self-inflicted pain? Dang it, why is it so much easier to say yes to shame, fear and doubt than to receive grace and forgiveness?!

We continued to laugh, read and cry together for the rest of the night. I penned down her lines of wisdom and let Holy Spirit use them to penetrate my soul.
As I went home that evening, I earnestly prayed,
"Jesus, just like her I WANT TO REMEMBER MY PAST NO MORE."

When I look back, I no longer want to see shame and pain. I want to see grace. I want to see HIS faithfulness and goodness and let it run all over my sin.

Now, please don't think I'm excusing the consequences of poor decisions. We live in a world of cause and effect and we have to deal with those consequences asking for God's grace and wisdom in how to best do so.

But when I look at things past--at things which have gone, I want to see victory in where I am now and see God's fingerprints all over the process of moving past those circumstances.

God's been highlighting the contradiction of shame and grace to me a lot lately; from Scripture, conversations, sermons, worship times, prayer times, other's praying over me...you name it. The Lord keeps speaking, "Hanna, the past is past. This is now, and this is a season of dancing."

This is a season of Grace. 

Like most Christianese words, such as faith and hope, I always found the word Grace as somewhat an abstract concept rather then a world-shifting reality.
So what does Grace really mean? In reference to God's Grace, it means "the free and unmerited favor of God."

FREE AND UNMERITED. 

Never earned. NEVER earned.
It erases shame and "rightful" punishment.
It makes right what was wrong.
It restores broken hearts, minds, bodies and relationships.
Grace is Power. Grace is Change. Grace is Reconciliation to the One who knit us together and to one another.

You know, my name actually means "Grace."

The word Grace is spoken over me day after day after day as people call my name, but it's funny how we become numb to Truth and no longer let it infiltrate our souls.

I've heard about Grace, at times I've actually experienced touches of God's Grace. But very little have I truly accepted God's Grace for myself.
I've tried my best to grant it over others, but rarely for myself.
And when I don't accept God's grace, I don't allow Him to restore my dignity.

But this is a time of self-Grace.
Of Grace pouring-out to come from a place of Grace pouring-in. 

When I hear my name, I desire to no longer hear, "weak, doubtful, fearful and shameful."
I desire to hear the true meaning of my name. To hear the reality of WHO I AM.

I desire to hear GRACE. 
And let the reality of Grace restore my dignity.
Just as He faithfully has, and continues to do, for my sweet Dominican friend.

And I am oh so thankful for His Grace as I continue in this process.
I'm thankful Grace doesn't call us to be perfect, rather simply calls us to receive and be restored.

Hallelujah. 




My Jesus, 

I am so thankful for your incredible Grace. 
I am so thankful Grace is never something to be earned, but always something to be received. 
Thank You that Your Grace IS sufficient and Your mercies are new every morning. 

Thank You that You earned Grace for me 2000 years ago. May I never forget the weight of Your Grace. May I let it fill my words, direct my actions, shape my relationships and restore my dignity. 

I love You. 

Love, Hanna