That is the centralized motto of the worldwide missions organization I work with--Youth With A Mission.
My organization is busy sending people from the nations to the nations and training them to do so to others.
It's a beautiful thing, and it works. Which is why in the past 50 years YWAM has developed into the largest mission organization in the world.
But there's a funny thing that happens when you're out on mission and being trained that YWAM never mentions in its vision and mission statements or core values.
They never mention that when you intentionally go forth into knowing God and making him known, it will be the biggest journey of intimacy, vulnerability and battling insecurities you've ever faced.
They never mention it'll be one of the hardest, most uncomfortable yet best things you've ever done in your life.
They never mention you'll cry more than ever while simultaneously laugh more, too.
As many of you know, Amsterdam has been one of the most challenging phases of my life.
...and I thought Thailand was hard with it's farm labor, mosquitoes and literal demons.
Yet I've found this beautiful Dutch city has a sneaky way of getting inside your head and bringing out the unbeautiful; of making you isolate yourself. Of making you believe every insecurity to ever cross your mind. Of making you think you don't matter, won't make a difference, have no purpose and are only known for your faults.
It senses any trace of insecurity and illuminates it with spotlights, flashing neon signs and billboards until you are totally overwhelmed by it.
I know this sounds extreme, but it's something that plagues our city, and it's something even nonbelievers will admit.
In this last year, a fellow YWAMer of mine met with a majority of the Amsterdam Pentacostal pastors and asked this question, "What do you think is the biggest issue our city faces?"
Their answer?
"Loneliness."
Every. Single. Pastor.
Every one quickly gave that same answer without ever consulting one another. That's how obvious loneliness is in this liberal, modern metropolis of over 800,000 "free, happy, hippy" people.
And what causes this city, and ourselves, to isolate in loneliness?
It's believing and acting upon what I mentioned above; it's believing your insecurities are who you are, that you don't matter, won't make a difference and have no purpose because you are only known for your faults.
But oh, dear heart, how that is not true!
You are good for people, and you are good for God. God designed and formed you and said "it is good."
For He "loves you with an everlasting love, therefore [He] has extending his faithfulness to you." (Jer. 31:3, ESV)
You've been through it. You've seen and experienced the nastiness of this world but that is not who you are.
In John Eldridge's book, Waking the Dead, he claims our hearts are good.
Have they been afflicted? Lied to? Misused and abused? Absolutely. There is a battle between good and evil going on for our hearts everyday.
Nonetheless, our hearts are still good.
Because God resides in our hearts. Our hearts are the Holy of Holies because of Christ; we are the temple. And God can't reside in a place unless it's 100% good.
Broken? Yes. Beautiful? Yes. Good? Yes.
So if all this is true, and even if we know God and know who Christ is, why do so many Christians still struggle with isolation?
Because love hurts and vulnerability isn't easy, and we think because we've lived broken we aren't worth being loved so we don't let ourselves fully relate with others.
We tell ourselves, "I don't hit the mark, I'm not as smart, pretty or witty as them, so why would they want to be with me? Let alone desire to be with me?"
Yet Donald Miller once wrote something I kind of really like:
"If our identity gets broken, it affects our ability to connect. And I wonder if we're not all a lot better for each other than we previously thought. I know we're not perfect, but I wonder how many people are withholding the love they could provide because they secretly believe they have fatal flaws" (Scary Close, 129).
"I wonder if we're not all a lot better for each other than we previously thought."
Beloved, what lies are you believing that cause you to isolate yourself and not live in freedom and vulnerability?
What lies are you believing that keep you bound and not living fully alive?
(Remember, chains can feel awful comfortable sometimes).
It's true, vulnerability and living exposed is scary and can be very painful (just look at the cross), but “the only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).
Intimacy is scary. Vulnerability isn't safe. But both are so good.
This has been my journey these past ten months.
This has been my journey these past ten months.
As I've been out on mission to know God and make Him known in Amsterdam, all while He has turned the tables and instead wants me to know myself and be known by others.
...in an incredibly dangerous, intimate, yet healthy way.
Is it hard?
Oh, yes.
I've had to look at those insecurities and lies right in the face (literal faces, at times) and speak Christ-truth and authority over them. Several times.
Is it scary?
Certainly.
I've had to remind myself of the goodness of loving without expectation; to love without getting anything back--and actually being okay with it.
Is it worth it?
Absolutely.
These past few months have been the most emotional of my life, but it's in that place of deep healing and feeling I can love bigger and better.
My ministry and friendships have shifted as I've grown to know more about God, myself and my need for others and their need for me.
So, dear heart, will you join me in this journey of intimacy and vulnerability?
Will you join me in battling the lies and speaking truth?
Will you join me in loving big and accepting love in return?
Will you join me in learning again, what it means to live fully alive?
Although I've only started this journey I can tell you already it's worth it, because Jesus is in it.
And there is nothing that satisfies more than being intimate with the Creator and Lover of your soul.
Jesus, your display of incredible vulnerability on the cross inspires me to lay myself bare and bloody before others because that's what they need--just like how I also desperately needed your bare and bloody love.
Thank you for being the security in contrast to my insecurities. For being my number-one cheerleader, and for bringing radical healing.
And thank you for loving me so intensely, and for giving me the bravery to love others the same.
I love you.
Love,
Hanna
The above photos are pictures of Antwerp, Belgium and a canal in Amsterdam that I took last month while my parents were visiting...isn't Amsterdam gorgeous in the fall?! I love it :)
