Fleeing to Freedom

I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough couple of days. 

Actually, more like a rough couple of weeks. 

Tears, anxiety attacks and sleepless nights have been my close companions.

Why? I've been juggling a lot lately.
It's finals, so naturally school's a stress. I've also been job hunting while still working at my current job and doing ministry, I'm studying for two CLEP exams, starting a new job this weekend, attempting to coordinate my flight and lodging for a trip to Amsterdam in June; I'm running low on finances, my living situation for when I get kicked out of student housing in three weeks has been thrown up into the air, and I've recently found out like five people I know have been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Yeah. It's been one of those seasons. 

And how do us Type-A control freaks react? We get fearful in the uncertainty and start having anxiety attacks.

I was reading in Matthew 26 recently and I was struck by something extraordinary.

Matthew 26 is about the betrayal and arrest of Jesus. I began to think to myself, how did the disciples feel through all of this?

They must have been totally freaking out. Probably thinking around the lines of, "What the heck! This guy is God...right? He can't be arrested! He still needs to conquer and reign in Jerusalem!"

...But Jesus had another plan.
"'But all this has taken place that the Scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.'" - Matt. 26:56 (ESV).

While Peter was cutting off a dude's ear and the others were trying to fight against the soldiers Jesus calmly reassured "this must take place."

The disciples were suddenly confronted with an unknown and chaotic situation, so what did they do?

They fled. 
"Then all the disciples LEFT him and FLED." (v. 57)

Not only did they flee from Jesus, Peter went even further and denied Jesus three times (v. 69-75).

Out of mistrust of Jesus' divine plan the disciples, Christ's closest friends, did three things: fled, denied and betrayed. 

How many times have I done the same? How many times have I fled Christ, denied him and betrayed him through idolizing myself by not trusting him? 

Confession: I have been worshiping myself. I have been trusting in my own ability to get school done (my grades have felt that), I've been trusting in myself to get a job, to find a living situation and to have a future after I graduate.

{I highly recommend reading this little gem if you want to learn more about how to not self-worship...}

I've fled from Christ because I didn't think he had things under control because I couldn't see the outcome so I took things into my own hands and began to see them crumble under the pressure of my white knuckles of control. 

Nothing can properly flourish if it's being suffocated under the grip of control.

If something is gripped onto so tight it will either shatter from the pressure or suffocate due to lack of air. 

I have seen situations, promises and hopes shatter and die in these past few weeks because I have been gripping onto them so hard.   

I have been betraying, denying and fleeing from Jesus through not trusting Him and His almighty power and worshiping myself.

I want to say that when I repented everything immediately began falling perfectly into place; but that is far from the case. 

However, my anxiety has lowered, my fear has (mostly) resided as I have began to let go and trust that I will find the time to write my theology papers, shuffle two jobs, do ministry and make plans for the future because Christ has control.

When we betray Jesus, we can run back to his gracious feet like Peter and say "I love you" (John 21:15-19) and return to following the only One who has everything under control. 

Only when we stop gripping and start worshiping do things happen and flourish. 

Jesus, thank you that you have everything figured out so I don't have to. Your power, knowledge and love inspires me everyday to simply keep going. 

I love you. 
-Hanna