An epic jump, tree climb, or slide usually follows as my nieces and nephew call for my attention.
They're asking, "Look at me! I'm about to do something brave! I'm about to do something cool and fun! I'm about to be fearless and I want all of your attention and affirmation!"
I'm sitting there, proud of their courage and asking myself, "whatever happened to my childhood bravery and being totally unashamed of who I am?"
What has happened to the Hanna that was constantly looking for the nearest tree to climb, the next cliff to jump, the next place to travel to and explore, and most importantly, the next stranger to talk to and bless?
Whatever happened to my bravery? My courage? My fearlessness? My security?
For one of the first times in my life, I've been experiencing multiple levels of fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of not being who I thought I was, fear of sinking back into bad habits and losing faith in God--fear of losing the very core of who I am. And on top of that, shame for listening to those fears.
Fear is a beast.
It doesn't only attack you, it paralyses you.
It makes you complacent. It keeps you from moving forward--in fact, it keeps you from moving at all.
It numbs you. It freezes you. It shuts you down from emotional connection with others, yourself and God. It steals your laughter. It steals your joy. It steals your love. It steals your life.
I'm currently in a major period of transition. I've recently moved from beautiful Amsterdam to the majestic Pacific Northwest; I've moved back to where I was born and raised.
You'd think that moving "home" would be the easiest transition yet in my life, but I've found it's been one of the hardest.
Yet in the fear and insecurity of this transition, I'm learning one really important and precious lesson...
and that's deep faith and total dependence on God.
How many times in the Bible do we see people leaning on God in times of fear? The Psalms are full of David crying out to the Lord to be his fortress and shield.
God alone makes us sure-footed on unstable terrain. He's the One to direct our steps. I've moved home with no agenda, planning and waiting on Him to open doors because that was His promise to me a year ago. And let me tell you, it's hard. It's hard to trust God will actually come through on all of His promises--but He does.
He always does.
Dear heart, if you're in a phase of transition and/or fear--go back to the promises of God!
When I was eighteen, God told me I was going to live in Seattle for a time in my twenties after going through private university debt-free and being in missions for two years.
That has happened.
He has also promised me I will be going back into missions full-time within the next ten years.
That has yet to happen.
Yet in this in-between, insecure, unsure, familiar yet totally different stage of life, God has challenged me to do three things:
- Love Him deeply
- Trust Him unwaveringly
- Love others wildly
Fear and insecurity want to keep me from doing those things. They don't want me to do anything at all. They want me to stand frozen and watch my one life pass me by.
But today, I choose to be fearless and unashamed.
Today, I choose to be courageous and be myself. I choose to be active in my life. I choose to bring Jesus into all parts of my life and let His crazy Love flip everything upside-down in radical grace.
I choose to have a deep faith in God, because a genuine faith and trust in another shatters fear and gives us security.
And I want to do this because, "A sincere faith in Jesus and all He wants to do around us wakes us up, rattles our lives, shifts every perspective, issues hope in pain, and ignites purpose."
(Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove).
Will you choose this with me?
Because I'm tired of numbing out, being too scared to move forward watching my life go on without me, and seeing those around me do the same.
Let's be a fearless, life-living and life-giving generation.
Let's be the voice of hope and life in this world, not of fear and doubt.
Let's look for trees to climb, strangers to bless, friends to love, challenges to conquer, dreams to live out and meanwhile watch our Father smile in sheer adoration as we exclaim, "Daddy, Daddy! Look at me! I'm being brave!"
My Jesus,
Thank you that fear is nothing to you.
Thank you that you still all fear. You still all shame and speak courage and identity into my heart.
Thank you that your plans are good and always lead to life and joy--because that is who you are. You are Life, and you are always leading me back to you.
Thank you that you take delight in my courage. You delight in my joy. You delight in who I am and who you made me to be. You inspire me to be brave.
I love you.
Love,
Hanna
The pictures above were taken in Italy in February and Washington State at the tulip festival this month :)
